Salam

Inspirational Googlers Part 4: Jason something (YouTube engineer)

2010-11-17T12:56:00.009-05:00

At a 6th floor ice cream social (part of "College Week")...

AG: So you basically look for like a light roundish thing with a darkish circle in the middle, maybe on a person like shape? Or...

Jason: Sort of, yeah.

AG: What about black women?

Jason: What?

AG: The contrast...

Jason: That's not really the way it works. It's really complicated.

AG: So then what's the plan, you just blur it out, or take down the video?

Jason: Take it down.

Inspirational Googlers Part 3: Stuart Feldman

2010-11-17T11:44:00.000-05:00

"Top Chef" charity cooking competition, organized by my boss. Each team has a "food celebrity" -- one of Martha Stewart, Dave from Top Chef Season 1, a few other chefs, and Stuart Feldman, a Google engineering boss and the inventor of Unix (not pictured: fupa). Each celebrity gets an escort.

AG: So, this is where your team will be cooking.

Feldman: Yes, I see, here is my name right there.

AG: You know your way around pretty much so...

Feldman: I'm here every day.

AG: I just wanted to say, um, I'm not a programmer, but um...I sort of know a little about it, and you invented Unix, right? I just wanted to say that's cool.

Feldman: Mm hmm. Thanks.

AG: So...are you much of a chef in your home life or...?

Feldman: Yes, I love to cook. I am also a big wine collector.

AG: Cool!...do you need water or anything?

Feldman: No thank you.

AG: Snack or anything..?

Feldman: No, I'm okay.

Inspirational Googlers Part 2: Eric Schmidt

2010-11-17T10:38:00.000-05:00

Towards the end of a Schmidt-hosted fireside chat with Charles Schumer in October 2008, days after the first $700 billion bailout (TARP) passed.

Schmidt: Would you consider working in the private sector after a career in politics?

Schumer: Well I feel right at home at this place. It's not well known, but I'm the only Senator who scored a perfect 1600 on his SATs. I'm referring, of course, to your famous hiring standards here at Google. Though of course it's also true. I hear the test was more difficult in those days, I don't know if that's true. Maybe I'll Google it!

Schmidt: (fakes a laugh) Let's move on to--

Schumer: To your original question though, yes, I would consider it. I suppose it depends on how interesting the opportunity is relative to my options in politics -- be it a governorship, or...who knows? I've obviously achieved success beyond anyone in my life's expectations--

Schmidt: I'd like to talk a little bit about the bailou--

Schumer: My older brother was always considered the smart one. My brother Bob. And maybe he is! He's a very powerful lawyer here in the city, very successful, but..

Schmidt: We've got time for just a--

Schumer: If I had to say, would he rather be a senator than where he is, bottom line? Yes.

Schmidt: Let's talk about the bailouts. I understand there was a closed door meeting with Paulson and a select group of legislators...

Schumer: Let me tell you. That was the scariest meeting I've ever attended. You had Democrats and Republicans literally speechless for 20 seconds. The whole financial system, he showed us, well...I can't say any more. But trust me. The charts he showed us! It was one of the most pregnant pauses in American history. That's all I can say about it.

After the talk Schmidt watches with disdain as Schumer beelines to some cameras. As Schmidt starts to leave, I sidle so I can smell him and see what he's looking at on his G1 Droid prototype (a Huffpo Health article called "The Best Way to Fight the Common Cold: A Brisk Walk").

Inspirational Googlers Part 1: Sergey Brin

2010-11-17T00:00:00.004-05:00

A non-mealtime buffet attracts a crowd. Sergey stands alone in a tight black tee (totally jacked!) eating a buffalo wing.

AG: (approaches, goes for handshake)

Sergey: (indicates the chicken and napkin holding situation and buffalo sauce on his hand)

AG: Of course, buffalo...total classic. Just wanted to introduce myself, I'm Actual God.

Sergey: Nice to meet you.

AG: I hear you're going to space! That's awesome!

Sergey: Oh. Yeah.

AG: Like Lance Bass from 'N Sync.

Sergey: Who?

AG: You know 'N Sync, right?

Sergey: No.

(6 or 7 people are by now looking on)

AG: Anyway this guy was in the band 'N Sync and he's going to space in one of those private missions too.
Sergey: Oh yeah?
AG: So maybe you guys'll be roommates or whatever.

Sergey: Hmm.

AG: Although I kind of wonder how he has enough money..

Sergey: I have to go. Excuse me.

Combined Hanukah / Birthday Present

2010-01-06T21:25:00.013-05:00

What do we have here?

Huzzah! It's a package from father!

What could it be? First class mail, do not bend (not pictured)...hard, substantial...oh I think I know what it is...in his study, there's a photograph (about this size) of my father at about age 9 with his father (who died before I was born), leaning against a motorcycle on some sandy street in Israel. It's the only picture he has of himself as a child, and although we don't look much the same now, it might as well be me in that picture.

Last time I visited, we stood looking at the picture for a few moments, just looking and talking, experiencing what is for us, a rare MoOaHFSL (Moment of Open and Honest Father Son Love™).

He told me I could have the picture, If I wanted it...trying to sound so casual but loving me so much on the inside (I could tell). I gathered also that he felt some grief about the impending loss of his nostalgic item. I told him I'd love to have the picture someday, asking that he hold on to it for a little while longer. He smiled thankfully.

This has to be it. It's exactly the right size...

Wait...even better!

It's Phase 10!!! A Rummy-Type Card Game with a Challenging and Exciting Twist!

The Challenge: Be the first player to complete 10 melds (phases)

The Twist: The phase to be completed is specific for each hand. Those that complete the phase advance to the next, but those that have not must try again.

I wasn't going to blog it

2008-08-24T23:22:00.003-04:00

but then it happened twice. Alright here it is, I sneezed on my hands.

Rugby damn

2007-05-05T02:09:00.000-04:00

Rugby Dan,

For your achievements in the twin fields of weightlifting and trapezoid-becoming...

...I named a star in your honor.

Forever your loving disciple,
The ACTUAL God

New low

2007-04-25T14:14:00.000-04:00

Felt guilty picking out the dark chunks from a can of tuna.

Virginia Tech Nightmare

2007-04-17T04:06:00.000-04:00

filling in for Joe Dumars at a pistons game, high. get to the bench late, through the wrong entrance - band/security stops me, i tell them i'm joe dumars, they apologize and carry me to bench. i'm wearing a green long-sleeve t so i take it off. "no no no, not too soon." playing with a livestrong bracelet making machine, choose color called gunsmoke, get a skinny yellow rubber band instead, and it's broken. tell brett i'm not going to shoot much in this game. brett tells me if it wasn't all official i'd knock down all my shots. cut to: brett on playground swishing a 3, saying "yes!" brett's mom aka fan aka ref says "yes" in the same voice but also rocky's voice. back to pistons game. filling in for laimbeer is joel mchale from the soup. jewish moms all left to tend to a certain tragedy, all sons notified by text.

cut to 20th floor, british hotel. possessed joel mchale holds a hundred people in lines of 3, waves gun, lectures ably, puts people on spot. says to one asian girl, "you've got the perfect face for television" and puts one through her dome. he turns to me, "see, if you'd try a mini-muffin with some ketchup..." and hands it to me. for survival, i pretend it's a gross and funny combination but i don't mind ketchup on a muffin. he waves gun at me. i beg him, "i'd make horrible tv," kneel behind someone. mchale aims at my forehead, i'm sure it's about to happen, but he shifts his attention, shoots through another guy's palm to make a point about pop culture. lots of crying, everyone's losing calm, descending into madness. some tv dad enters (it's patrick duffy but it's not), i slip out the door, book down the hall, waste 3 seconds at elevator, realize he'll just stop me at the 16th floor, go to staircase, fly down whipping around corners, jumping whole flights. pass the 16th floor, mchale screaming, vowing, gunshot victims screaming and dying. whip down more stairs, twist ankle, find a janitorial space with exposed pipes, no lock, no door. curl up, beg for police to come scoop me, told to sit tight, they're pretty busy.

wake up, horrified, don't want to pee, sad about the real shooting, less sad but still sad for having a second negative association with joel mchale (first was his appearance on pos improv show "thank god you're here"). plan for the moment is to watch msnbc until whenever.

I like cartoons

2007-04-04T13:11:00.000-04:00

Professor Brothers

Update: haha so cute

Slaying of the first born

2007-04-03T04:39:00.000-04:00

This weekend I lost my entire actual hard drive because of an Apple genius' negligence. It's complicated and devastating and I'd rather not talk about it. My dad's been calling me round the clock about it.

AG: (groggy) Hello.
Pops: Did I wake you up? Oh shoot, I'm sorry.
AG: No, I should get up, what's up?
Pops: Hear anything from Apple?
AG: Not yet.
Pops: I know this doesn't help the situation at all, but a good thing to do is to back up your data on a zip drive.
AG: A zip drive.
Pops: Yes, I can get you one if you want -
AG: You know I had my shit backed up on a regular external hard drive. How do you come up with a suggestion like that? I don't even think zip is a thing anymore.
Pops: I have a zip drive -
AG: Not relevant.
Pops: I'm just saying -
AG: Just -- don't bring up retarded things, okay?

No matter what happens to my data, I always get up for Passover. My dad's folk dancing friends Yankeleh (m) and Shuli (f) hosted the seder tonight in the Valley. Dinner was delayed a few minutes because Yankele couldn't Tivo "Deal or No Deal" and "Dancing with the Stars" at the same time, so a group of Israelis yelled at each other about that for a while.

Pops: Who is that guy?
AG: Apollo Anton Ohno.
Pops: Oh yeah! Apollo Ohno, the speed skater.
AG: It's Apollo Anton Ohno.
Pops: No no no, Apollo Ohno, the speed skater.
AG: Wrong.
Pops: You sure?
AG: He goes by all three names, trust me, I'm positive.
Yankeleh: He's a beautiful dancer.
(joey fatone tangoes across the screen)
AG: Hey, that's not fair, he's a professional dancer!
Yankeleh: Oh, he's a beautiful dancer too.
Stepmom: Who is that?
AG: Joey Fatone, he was in 'N Sync. They did a lot of hardcore dancing, so it's kind of bullshit that he gets to be on the show.
Stepmom: Who's in sync?
AG: The pop-band, with Justin Timberlake?
Stepmom: That's Justin Timberlake?
AG: No, he was in the band with him. But they all did a lot of precision dancing so...
Stepmom: Oh. You know, I was thinking of another Timberlake.
AG: No, no you weren't.
(the announcer presents fatone and his dance partner, cheryl burke, a random professional dancer)
Stepmom: (feigning a note of recognition) Cheryl Burke, hmm...

That's pretty much how it went most of the night, very fun seder, lots of singing - I was one of the last to leave at around midnight. I stopped to get gas on the way home, and as I was pumping, this skanky blonde in camouflage and black tights was straight eyeing me from inside the store. I made a Pesach resolution to be more bold, so I went in and walked right in front of her, decisively choosing the most ballinest Fiji and wintergreen tic-tacs. When I got to the register, I heard the girl say into her phone, "And he's so healthy."

"Me?" I asked, and she said "Yeah you."

I said "This is my dinner," and she laughed, and so did the Korean guy behind the counter. I looked back from the Korean to the blonde, who made a little shimmy like she was trying to undress without her hands. She said "Yeah, I gotta go" into her phone, and followed me outside.

AG: Not getting anything?
Her: Where do you live?
AG: Just a couple minutes from here.
Her: So...I'll just follow you then?

Then I put a tic-tac in her mouth.

Right now she's under my covers biting on matzoh I took home from the seder, getting crumbs everywhere and asking me what I'm doing.

Her: What are you doing?
AG: Bolding the dialogue shits to make it readable. It'll just be one sec.
Her: Oh come on back to bed, people will be able to read it regardless.
AG: Relax, I'm not even colouring them.

To Catch a Predator: Petaluma II

2007-03-29T02:23:00.000-04:00

Marine: Hi.
Hawt Decoy Girl in capris: Hey, I made some frozen lemonade (wtf), go ahead and pour yourself some. I'm gonna go get changed into my bathing suit.
Marine: Uh, I didn't bring a suit.
Girl: That's okay, you don't really need one.
(girl walks off, marine takes shirt off)
Marine: Sweet.
(chris hansen comes out and sits the marine down, goes over the chatroom transcript, chides him for awhile, etc, marine clearly knows it's a sting)
Chris Hansen: You served in Iraq?
Marine: Yes sir.
Chris Hansen: That's tough service.
Marine: I'm sorry.
Chris Hansen: For what?
Marine: For being stupid.
Chris Hansen: Being stupid how?
Marine: (teary) Jus' being dumb. Everything I've worked for my entire life is ruined now, just because...
Chris Hansen: Because you wanted to have sex with a 13-year-old...Well...There's something I need to tell you...
Marine: Yeah?
Chris Hansen: I'm Chris Hansen.
Marine: (nonplussed) Okay.

Next segment, a computer engineer from Silicon Valley...

Indian: It was my friend.
Chris Hansen: Oh yeah? What's your friend's name?
Indian: I had a party, somebody must have logged on to my computer.
Chris Hansen: It says here, you wrote: "I will eat your shaved (bleep) -- because you are young and fresh."
Indian: There were many guys over at my apartment.
Chris Hansen: Here it says she asks you your name and you say "Anurat." That's your name, isn't it?
Indian: Yes.
Chris Hansen: So you're friend was using your name.
Indian: Yes, I don't know why.
Chris Hansen: But Anurat - there were several conversations, and several different references to sex. So either you're having a party over several days without knowing what your "friend" is saying about you online, or, you're telling me a big fat lie.
Indian: I came here to help her. To be like a big brother.
Chris Hansen: A big brother?
Indian: Nothing else, I swear. I'm looking you in the eye and telling you the truth.
Chris Hansen: And I'm looking you in the eye and telling you, that I'm Chris Hansen.
Indian: (nonplussed) I'm Anurat.

If I were one of these guys, I'd show up to meet the girl in a Chris Hansen mask. That way if it's not a sting, great, just take off the mask. If it is, just be like, "I was joking obv, look at my mask dummy."

UPDATE:
Found a scandalous picture of the decoy girl, thanks facebook. Link.

Fitness Update

2007-03-27T05:15:00.000-04:00

Banging the gym everyday for four and a half months now, the AG is still a little pudgy, albeit very skinny, but just muscular enough to return to the dating scene.

Don't misunderstand me: I've had plenty of sex (dreams) lately. Last night I dreamt that I was on a dinner date with a teen sophisticate with the lithe body of a ballerina. We met outside the restaurant, where she was being hit on by an older kid from my high school named Jason. Jason had a twin sister named Tricia, and somehow I used this information to confuse him. I could see the effect this had on my date (for she was the type of girl that gets off on sly trickery), so I bid Jason adieu and led the girl inside by her lower back/top of ass.

After some haggling with the wait-staff, I managed to get us a table away from my parents. The girl tossed the host sixty-five bucks and told me to pay for the rest, and fixed a half-challenging stare on me that I shan't soon forget.

Some time later - we were at a different table - she asked me this thought provoking hypothetical that began: "If you could take only seven people on a cruise with you..." I started to answer, but naturally my mouth was full of sweater lint, and I had to spit into my napkin. She began to answer her own question: "I'd take thirteen friends from Yale, and thirteen friends from high school..." Wiping away the last piece of lint stuck to my dry tooth, I reconsidered: maybe this girl is asinine. Then I woke up. Great dream, thanks God.

Now I'm just waiting up for the gym to open at eight. If I keep at it, I WILL have a six-pack, which is like the ultimate fuck you to God, who pretty much endowed me with every possible advantage except a six-pack. Just wait until I start taking hip-hop dance lessons (and Enzyte).

Temptation

2007-02-21T15:08:00.000-05:00

Ariel's in my shower. There's roughly 36K in hundred dollar bills scattered all over my living room; he said he didn't count. Do I use one of the bills to jimmy the lock?

Why don't you get a job?

2007-02-21T02:48:00.000-05:00

Link:

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin (CNN) -- All Nathan Moore says he wanted to do was smoke pot and get drunk with his friends.
Killing Rex Baum was never part of the plan that day in 2004.
"It all started off as a game," Moore said.
The 15-year-old and his friends were taunting the homeless man -- throwing sticks and leaves -- after having a couple of beers with him.
No big deal, Moore says, but he's sorry for what came next.
It was a mistake, he said, a sudden primal surge that made him and his friends Luis Oyola, 16, and 17-year-old Andrew Ihrcke begin punching and kicking Baum.
"Luis says 'I'm gonna go hit him,' We're all laughing, thought he was joking around,'" but he wasn't, Moore concedes. "We just all started hitting him."
They hurled anything they could find -- rocks, bricks, even Baum's barbecue grill -- and pounded the 49-year-old with a pipe and with the baseball bat he kept at his campsite for protection.
Ihrcke smeared his own feces on Baum's face before cutting him with a knife "to see if he was alive," Moore said.
After destroying Baum's camp, the boys left the homeless man -- head wedged in his own grill -- under a piece of plastic where they hoped the "animals would eat" him.
Then, Moore says, they took off to grab a bite at McDonald's.
Baum's murder was indicative of a disturbing trend.

I don't know if Kingspawn moving to Milwaukee qualifies as a trend, but whatever.

Here's a bad story

2007-02-19T00:42:00.000-05:00

I went out for Chinese food with my parents and Actual Maya tonight, even though it meant missing the first half of the NBA All Star game. Years ago I threw an epic tantrum in a closet in Israel because I couldn't get the game on our hotel TV, so basically what I'm saying is that I'm growing up.

First restaurant, we walk in and even though we're in the foyer and our view of the dining area is obstructed by one of those Asian folding walls, it's obvious there's a party going on, and some Chinese man is singing karaoke unpleasantly loud. Still my mom says "This place seems fun," and asks if we can have a table for four. The mama-san tells us "We all booked," and my mom's like, "Oh, okay, hmm." Then she gets this pleased look on her face, and I can just tell something retarded is about to come out of her mouth. She starts talking real slow the way you're supposed to talk to xenos.

Mom: What's the second best Chinese restaurant around here? Around this area.
Hostess: (smiling) Oh, ha ha.
Mom: I say second best because this one is the best.

We had definitely never eaten there before, but whatever, the lady shows us on her hand how to get to Shangri-La, another Chinese place a few miles away. In the parking lot my mom says "Wasn't that so funny how she showed us on her hand," and I just squint back at her.

We get to Shangri-La and jackpot, there's a TV, but it's only visible from the distinctly shittier part of the restaurant. We sit there anyway, because I'm bossy. My stepdad recognizes a 90 year old lady getting up to leave from a nearby table and starts talking to her. Her napkin is stuck to her lap, and she's wearing six or seven identical "Don't privatize Social Security or Medicare" buttons. I think to myself "Don't poke yourself you old so and so!" and to my chagrin, I repeat this in my head over and over again like fifty times, all the while smiling and nodding and trying not to faint.

We were all standing and introducing and chatting for what seemed like forever, and after they finally left, my stepdad said that she was an old communist. My mom and I were like, "Wow that was awkward," but my stepdad was like "What are you talking about?" I was like "Are you kidding," and a small argument ensued.

I go up to a female employee and ask if she can change the channel to TNT. She has no idea what I'm talking about, but to my delight, this five foot zero Chinese guy in a sweater vest comes up and says "NBA All Star" and starts messing with the controls. It's 8:25, and the game starts at 8:30, so when he turns it to a channel that might be TNT but also might be NBATV (it was showing some NBA gala thing that didn't look exactly like a pre-game show), I really can't figure out if it's the right channel, and my blood starts to boil.

I tell the waitress "I don't mean to be a bother, but I think that might be NBATV and not TNT." This is clearly way too much for her. I search the whole restaurant and the bathroom for the guy in the vest but can't find him. I ask the waitress again. She calls a staff meeting and somehow together they figure out what's going on and eventually get the right channel, just in time for Danny Gans' national anthem. I stand up and applaud their efforts. One of the male employees bows, and a couple of the ladies smile and blush. At this point I feel like General Tso himself and I order a round of Diet Coke's for the whole table.

On the way out, we're getting our coats and Maya and I stare at the fish tank. One of the fish has a giant crusty lump over it's eye. Standard.

Maya: What's that?
AG: It's cancer. That fish is going to die soon.
Mom: Don't say that!

Maya looks a little sad, but such is life. An eleven year old black kid walks in with a white Jew dad/captor(?). For some reason my mom says hello. Maya decides to show the guy her pink, obviously female teddy bear.

Guy: Oooh, that's a beautiful bear. I like his pajamas. I hope I said that right, it is a he, right?
Maya: You want to touch it?
Guy: Oh yes. Oh my, it's so soft.
Stepdad: Show it to the little boy, Maya.

My mom and I look at each other, mortified - the "little boy" was practically a black teenager. We start to leave, but my mom has to add:

Mom: Okay, enjoy your meal - er - enjoy it if you haven't had it yet, or if you have, I hope you enjoyed it already, ha ha -
Guy: Waiting for takeout.
Mom: Enjoy!

We get into the parking lot and my mom, clearly embarrassed by her own behaviour, starts chiding my stepdad for like twenty minutes for calling the black kid a little boy. I chimed in and chided both of them for lots of things.

Unstuck

2007-01-25T03:38:00.000-05:00

From: support@pokerstars.com
To: xxxxxxx@xxxxx.com

Dear Actual God,

We are sorry to hear that you are closing your Poker Stars account. We congratulate you on your success at the tables, however, and wish you luck should you ever decide to return.

We have received your order from our Frequent Player Points Store. This confirms that you have ordered the following:

$1000 Neiman-Marcus Gift Card
FPP price: 62000

Bose iPod Dock (US & Canada only)
FPP price: 19000
Color: White

Name a Star
FPP price: 2500
Star Name: Rugby Dan

Stress Ball
FPP price: 300

Stress Star
FPP Price: 300

Best Regards,
PokerStars Support

Rats

2006-11-28T13:49:00.000-05:00

New study:

Does money buy happiness? It's sometimes said that scientists have found no relationship between money and happiness, but that's a myth, says University of Illinois psychologist Ed Diener...

"There is overwhelming evidence that money buys happiness," said economist Andrew Oswald of the University of Warwick in England.

God dammit.

LA Bar Scene

2006-11-22T03:58:00.000-05:00

Janelle: So, do you like it out here?
AG: Not really
Janelle: Oh, really?
AG: Yeah.
Janelle: I didn't like it for my first two years, but then after that I learned to love it bla bla bla.
.
.
.
AG: So what do you do?
Janelle: I work for "W," the magazine.
AG: Oh, W. Do you guys recite some sort of memorial pledge for JFK junior every morning?
Janelle: No, definitely not.
AG: Interesting, I would have thought the opposite.
Janelle: What?
AG: Nothing, that's cool. I love magazines.
Janelle: Yeah, me too.
AG: Do you like "W," like would you read it if you didn't work there?
Janelle: Yeah - I think it's really unique, how it mixes high art and fashion.
AG: Uh huh.
Janelle: What I tell people, is the average subscriber, their median income, is $80,000, so...that says something, you know?
AG: Awesome.
Janelle: Yeah.
AG: Fifty years ago we'd hang you from a tree with a fork in your ass, nigger.
Janelle: What?
AG: Nothing.
.
.
.
AG: I saw Howie Mandel today.
Janelle: Really?
AG: Yeah. He was riding one of those old-fashioned bicycles, with the big wheel in front.
Janelle: Cool.
AG: Yeah.

Impressive

2006-11-19T01:01:00.000-05:00

Technology so good it hurts (arabs):

JERUSALEM - Israel is using nanotechnology to try to create a robot no bigger than a hornet that would be able to chase, photograph and kill its targets, an Israeli newspaper reported on Friday. The flying robot, nicknamed the "bionic hornet", would be able to navigate its way down narrow alleyways to target otherwise unreachable enemies such as rocket launchers...

This is like gnarls barkley crazy, but in our world, it's just another jewcomplishment. If arabs made a bionic anything, everyone would be like wow, this is a surreal nightmare.

Go Blue

2006-11-18T11:21:00.000-05:00

It's Mike Hart's world, everyone else is just taking pills and forgetting about it. 27-24 Wolverines.

Why I don't blog

2006-11-18T00:21:00.000-05:00

All day I sit in a room full of idiots and stare at a computer screen. The idiots talk and talk, and I just sit there thinking about how much more fun getting high used to be, and wishing I could take xanax every day without having to worry about it. I've lost 50K on my way to quitting gambling. I'm seriously addicted to Diet Coke. My posture is horrible and getting worse. My down key is broken.

I sit in traffic for hours every day. I go to bed before I'm tired. Sometimes I go to bars. If there's a dance floor, I walk through it. With strangers, I go one or two jokes before I lose my balance. I have a sexy Hungarian neighbor - I'm sure she thinks I'm a gay loser. My parents love me too much. I love them too, but the truth is, they rarely have any new information. My grandparents keep getting older while I'm away; surely they'll be very old soon. I still wear the same shit. I'll never have a six-pack. When's the last time I played basketball? I miss Liam's Rhymes. The Actual Clown Act is getting old, do you see why?

Happy birthday Mahbuddd - sorry I slept through your party.

At the office

2006-11-14T17:37:00.000-05:00

Insufferable coworker: Hey what font is that?

Actual God: Times New Roman.

Liveblogging Heroes

2006-11-14T00:43:00.000-05:00

9:43 - A little Indian boy (girl?) slowly opens his hand, revealing (gasp!) a mysterious key to an older, wavy-haired, presumably capable Indian man.

9:45 - You can tell an Old Navy commercial just by looking at it, even if you haven't seen it before. Glossy, great dancing. Oops, it was a Target commercial.

9:48 - Eww, take those glasses back to architecture school, Ackroyd.

9:52 - Okay this one has to be Old Navy - more clothes content. Yes! But it looked SO similar to the Target commercial. (scratches head)

R.I.P.

2006-11-12T19:45:00.000-05:00

Andrew Lloyd Webber (1948-2007)

Overheard

2006-10-31T00:48:00.000-05:00

HAHAHAHHA BORAT OMG BORAT BORAT!!! EEZ NICE!!! Shut the fuck up.

OMG Lasagna, MMMMmm! I know it tastes good. Do us all a favor and shut your mouth about it.

Hockey Night in LA

2006-10-17T03:09:00.000-04:00

My heavenly father scored tickets for NHL action tonight at the Staples Center - Red Wings vs. Kings. I was kind of tired but whatever.

He rolled into the canal district in his Prius. I said ,"How's the Prius?" but I was still on the phone wishing an old friend now living in Chicago a happy birthday. A minute into the drive I had to be like, "Listen, I'm in the car with my dad, but fucking...you know...keep in touch...have a, uh, ball out tonight." (click)

Il y'avait beaucoup du trafic, so we chatted, swallowing our pity and dismay in favor of lighter subjects, such as my bomb ass new verizon navigation system (which he pays for), my intention to join a gym, and my love of money. After a summary discussion of habeus corpus-gate, my dad asked:

Father: Did you hear about the congressman from Pennsylvania, with his daughter, and the lobbying contracts?
Son: Yeah, Curt Weldon.
Father: Carl Snowden...Ron Snowden...
Son: (louder) Curt Weldon -
Father: Oh. You know he -
Son: Yeah I know.
Father: It's really -
Son: I know.
Father: Did you watch Olbermann last night?
Son: I read blogs, n00b.

When my dad accidentally pulled past the optimal parking lot, he started to whine and I was all like "Stop crying baby," and he basically complied. We found a parking spot, and the way my dad said "muchos gracias" to the Mexican parking attendant was so ridiculous I almost loled my pants.

I booed at the start of the national anthem. My dad shushed me and whispered, "What about the soldiers?" Of course I started cracking up, and a bunch of people were like shhhh and some others were like hmph.

The lady next to me was hitting the box wine hard and cheering for the Red Wings. She was so annoying, she had the whole section chanting "You're Drunk," and she was screaming "You're mama," and "Suck my dick," and me and my dad were like omg.

My favorite part of the game was when Born to be Wild came on between the second and third periods. I knew my dad would start singing along, and I knew how we was going to sing every single note, volume and tone. And just as I could hear the note in my head before he hit it, I knew for sure he was going to talk about how the lead singer from Steppenwolf is from Israel (etc etc I won't bore you with the actual story). But he didn't and I was like wtf?

The game itself was TIGHT. The Red Wings won 3-1, and I got my red wings after the game (hat tip to my neighbor's dog Munchie, or Moonchie, or whatever - I don't know the name but it's definitely a female). Anyway, I'm tired, and Frasier appears to be under the covers with a lady right now. I should probably go watch.

Update: Everything was going great until Frasier hears the lady talking on the phone, and oh my God is she shrill. I don't think it'll work out but I guess that's why I watch :(

Update II: It's the next morning, and Niles is over for breakfast, and he asks Frasier if he had the courage to ask such and such lady out, and then she walks out in a robe, and I swear Niles nearly hit the floor.

Update III: I found the script for this episode, entitled "Big Crane on Campus," and now I'm watching with the script. This is amazing.

Update IV: Not as amazing as I thought.

Asking the wrong questions

2006-10-16T19:07:00.000-04:00

I'm finished with the New York Times - link. Nut garbage:

And “Capote” is a tough act to follow, at least artistically. The critical acclaim the film garnered ... gave audiences little reason to desire another movie about Truman Capote. After all, audiences would inevitably ask, how could the second film possibly measure up?

I'm gonna go stab myself in the penis.

Adolescent God (II)

2006-10-13T21:08:00.000-04:00

Ring, ring, ring...

Actual God: Hello
Mom: Hi.
Actual God: Hi.
Mom: How bout those tigers?
Actual God: Yeah. Pretty cool.
Mom: Veerrry cool.
Actual God: Yeah. Haha.
Mom: What's so funny?
Actual God: Nothing.
(silence)
Mom: What are you doing now?
Actual God: I'm about to jump in the shower. I need to wake up.

I had just taken a shower, and was naked.

Mom: Well we can't wait to visit you. Did I tell you what Maya said?
Actual God: I don't know.
Mom: Totally out of the blue yesterday, she said "I love when Actual God burps my name."
Actual God: Oh, that is cute.
Mom: So cute. She can't wait to see you.
Actual God: Can't wait to see her.
Mom: She asked me when we were gonna visit you and I told her right after Halloween, and she gave me the biggest, heartiest hug.
Actual God: Aww.
Mom: Awwwwww.
Actual God: Yeah.
Mom: So. How's your screenplay coming?
Actual God: Good.
Mom: That's great. Eh - hmm...you know if it ever gets produced, I'm gonna see it, even if you don't want to show me.
Actual God: (groaning sounds)
Mom: What? Am I too weird?
Actual God: (groaning sounds and mumble something about being predictable)
Mom: I think I'd rather be too weird than too predictable.
Actual God: Uh -
Mom: I guess I'm a little of both.
Actual God: Okay mom.
Mom: (very self-conscious sounding) Okay.
Actual God: (patronizing) I love you.
Mom: Love you too sweetie.

Honestly go fuck yourself.

Healthy woman

2006-10-12T14:41:00.000-04:00

Michelle Bachman (R-Minnesota)

Adolescent God

2006-10-05T19:23:00.000-04:00

Why must I continue to suffer?

Hi Boo,
We were invited to a Sukka on Saturday evening - in Garden Grove, with special emphasis that you are invited too. Jennifer and her parents are going to be there as well, and also Larry and Tilly. Let me know if you would like to come.
Aba

NO I DON'T WANT TO COME R-TARD.

Wacawacawaca

2006-08-25T13:52:00.000-04:00

What Wood said

2006-08-17T13:10:00.000-04:00

Re: New developments in the Jon Benet case:

"It's been a very long 10 years, and I'm just sorry Patsy isn't here for me to hug her neck," said Wood, the family attorney.

If you're really sorry, just dig her up.

Nacho Libre

2006-06-30T02:10:00.000-04:00

This dream I had the other day - I don't know, it just got me wondering. I'm in line at Walgreen's, and next to the register they're offering a DVD - on the cover is Hulk Hogan wearing a black tanktop. Lady a few spots behind me in line says she can't believe Hulk Hogan is in a softcore porn. She says it again, and I'm like, "It's just a DVD of highlights from his wrestling career." I look down at my handbasket and think to myself, No one appreciates ME.

I've dropped 12K since I changed my party poker screenname from "ActualGod" to "tellmeimgay." But it ain't no thang - I saw "Click" tonight and realized that family is the most important thing in life, not money.

Like today, for instance, my grandmother took me to visit my great-uncle at the hospital, a day after doctors removed his gangrenous gall-bladder. We talked about Sanjay Gupta for a while, and we all agreed that he was a very humane doctor. At one point my uncle struggled out of bed in his robe, and we both saw his full ass and perhaps more importantly, his balls from behind. Since you can't just say that and then not describe them, it was a nice big sac, but not super nasty like you might expect.

Dream Revelation

2006-04-28T01:53:00.000-04:00

Some things happen at a ski lodge AND THEN:

I'm on one side of a luxurious winnebago trying to get rid of my cocktail by whispering "barkeep" over and over, frustrated that nobody can hear and all I can do is whisper. On the other side of the winnebago, a girl lying on a bed braces herself before bucket after bucket of dead fish and giant grasshoppers are poured on her head. After watching for a bit, I feel something in my mouth, and run to open the back window. I stick my head out and start spitting locusts out of my mouth onto the moving road beneath me. I keep spitting and spitting, but there's always more - stuck to my teeth, inside my cheeks, in the back of my throat. I spit enough out so I can say: "Wretched earth! (spit) There is no God!" (spit) And then, even more fired up: "Every time you see a lovable little Jew -- it's BULLSHIT! (spit) A huggable Jew! (spit) (spit) -- BULLSHIT!" (spit) (spit) (spit). I wake up to realize that I am actually spitting all over my forearm.

Revelation

2006-04-22T18:21:00.000-04:00

Kingspawn's true identity revealed! Read on.

OKLAHOMA CITY (Reuters) - A man in the Oklahoma town of Purcell has been arrested on suspicion of murdering the 10-year-old daughter of his neighbor and planning to eat her body, police said on Saturday.

Kevin Underwood, 26, was arrested on Friday in the murder of Jamie Rose Bolin, who was reported missing after she failed to return home on Wednesday from a public library in Purcell, 36 miles south of Oklahoma City.

What about motive?

"Regarding a potential motive, this appears to have been part of a plan to kidnap a person, rape them, torture them, kill them, cut off their head, drain the body of blood, rape the corpse, eat the corpse, then dispose of the organs and bones," Purcell Police Chief David Tompkins told a news conference.

Later in the article...

In addition to finding the girl's bicycle dismantled and stowed under Underwood's bed, Chief Tompkins added that police found "a decorative dagger believed to be used in an attempt to cut off the victim's head, a hacksaw, duct tape, meat tenderizer, skewers, and a duffle bag."

So Kingspawn is a cop after all. (hint: note Chief Tompkins' use of comma series)

Public humiliation

2006-04-20T00:26:00.000-04:00

At Rainbow Cafe, the lady getting my drink yelled from the fountain - "Was that a diet or a regular coke?" Everyone could hear, and it was so embarrassing.

Miserable...but not too miserable

2006-03-15T20:35:00.000-05:00

Working on senior essay...but hired Hakeem Olajuwon to bring me shit and wash my ass and balls all day.

And I stocked up on wintergreen tic-tacs, so now I have like nine packs in my desk.

Ouch

2006-03-07T17:20:00.000-05:00

What a cooler.

(ed. added: cooler. Miss Deaf Texas gets hit by a train. Sad. She really was attractive.)

Snowy day (part 1)

2006-03-07T13:46:00.000-05:00

The Actual God plays poker on Tom's backup laptop. Tom busies himself in the kitchen.

AG: You driving anywhere this afternoon?
Tom: Yeah, actually. I'm going over to Bloom's house in like fifteen.Why?
AG: I need to drop two classes. You think you could drop me off at swing?
Tom: Sure.
AG: Terrific.
Tom: You should come with me.
AG: I don't know - how long will it take?
Tom: I don't know, like an hour. I have to move some boxes for him, but he'll certainly want us to join him for tea.
AG: Tea, huh.
Tom: Come on. It'll be classic.
AG: Alright, I'll go. Let me smoke real quick.
Tom: Have you met Harold?
AG: Once. At a urinal.
Tom: Classic.

(to be continued)

Detox

2006-03-07T13:26:00.000-05:00

I haven't smoked gweedz in like three days, and honestly, I feel great. Or maybe that's just the adderall talking. Speaking of which, I feel like impregnating a girl on adderall (she can also be on adderall) would make for a smarter child. This could also be the adderall talking.

Query

2006-02-28T23:55:00.000-05:00

I shot a booger in the shower this morning that looked just like a mini-placenta. Then I realized I have no idea how big a placenta is. Maybe it's really small. I always figured it was about the size of a hamburger patty. Anyone have any information about this?

Enough is enough

2006-02-27T12:30:00.000-05:00

Been gambling too much. Went busto in December - now I'm richer than my parents. Whatever. Blog is back. Anybody seen Teen Witch?

Season's Greetings

2005-12-24T16:39:00.000-05:00

I hate weekends. I used to love weekends. What happened to me? For the past hour and a half, I've been sitting at my kitchen table pouring water from one pitcher into another then back again, and so on. I feel like I'm losing water volume. How can this be? My mom periodically asks how I'm doing, if I'm bored. Shut up I'm busy.

Looking back years from now, feminist historians will undoubtedly argue that this Christmas break has been a period of regression and degeneration for the Actual God. First off, I quit quitting gambling. I know, bad decision. But to all the naysayers, I ask: do you know how sick gambling is? I just won two Gs in like fifteen minutes while my mom was at the drug store buying me shock tarts.

I've also developed an unfortunate little prescription drug problem. I need to take antibiotics for my sore throat. But the pills are huge, and my throat is so sore. They're also white, chalky, non-gelcaps. Won't that scratch my throat?

To make matters worse, I've sprouted a sharp pimple on my chest that is super sensitive to pressure. Like when I push on it, I start worrying about my heart. Alright I'm lying. There is no pimple. I sense your doubt, and that's okay. You suspect that there really is a pimple, and I'm lying about lying to protect my fragile ego. I see no way to convincingly state the case without digging a hole for myself.

The ACTUAL God heads west tomorrow. My dad keeps calling to remind me to print out my boarding pass online. Fuck that. You print it out and FedEx it to ME.

Merry Christmas, infidels. Praise be to ALLAH!

Look into Bono's pink glasses

2005-12-18T16:31:00.000-05:00

And surely you will see the depth of his compassion.

TIME also handed out the inaugural "Person of the year whose T-Shirt you'd least want to touch with your face" award. Congratulations Actual Rod.

The Actual God's Book of Tricks

2005-12-18T12:27:00.000-05:00

1) Peeing with the toilet seat down, getting a little on the seat, and then putting the seat up quietly as if it was up the whole time and you just forgot to put it down.

2) Buying all sorts of products, from vitamins to fleece blankets to seasonal nut cans, all for crazy low prices at Walgreens.

3) Winning shotgun on the way there, then offering it to someone else on the way back right when you step outside, proving your supremacy and your benevolence.

Dream

2005-12-17T21:40:00.000-05:00

The Actual God sits in front of a computer at an internet cafe. The chair is bouncy. The Actual God takes advantage, then approaches the counter to pay.

Clerk: That'll be $23.
AG: What, like, $2 a minute, 11 and a half minutes?
Clerk: Mmm hmm.
AG: (leaning and whispering) I'm actually interested in buying a handgun.
Clerk: (suspicious) Who told you we had guns?

The Actual God flashes fat diamond ring in the clerk's face.

Clerk: OK, yes, what type of handgun were you looking for?
AG: (coquetteishly) I'm gonna have to admit that I'm a bit naïve when it comes to guns.
Clerk: Don't worry. I think I've got the perfect piece for ya.

As the clerk reaches for a box, the Actual God tries to recover from the little "naïve" incident. The clerk hands over the box. It's the cheapest one - $189.99, and the box is torn a little - but it's still pretty sick. I dream of one day owning a gun.

Muppetface

2005-12-17T16:16:00.000-05:00

Outside Phelps Gate waiting for the van that would take me to Laguardia, I saw a fat-faced, grey-haired woman with prominent purple burns or birthmarks and humongous, deformed lips that looked like two rotten bananas had been taped to the front of her face. She was saying a tearful goodbye to a normal-looking white guy in a patagonia vest. They were holding each other close - kissing, necking, and shit. He'd make a point to kiss the nasty parts specifically, just like in Pay it Forward.

The little Jew next to me was also staring, and he noticed the same of me. What an appropriate time to inject a bit of levity, he thought: "She must have some personality," he said, and I chuckled. "Either that or some bomb ass pussy," I replied. "You think?" he asked. "Could be money," I concluded.

Special Announcement

2005-12-14T10:16:00.000-05:00

Actual God sick with bird flu, and I am tend to him in bed. His mood very bad. I bring him chicken soup he spill it on my long, long legs and red shorts. He bite his tongue and have big upset. I tell him "relax." He say I smell like ash tray.

O ACTUAL God - the Actual Creator of all mankind,
The supreme Creator of all creation,
The supreme authority of the universe!
You alone are the Actual God of all creation
And the provider of everything good to all creatures.
You alone are divine for worship by all mankind.
You alone I fear, adore and accept
And humbly worship as my god.

He give me username and password. You do prayer so Actual God feel better. (-H.O.)

Rigoberto Alpizar

2005-12-07T17:07:00.000-05:00

Neat. I wonder what really happened.

Update: Just saw on the TV that in the moments leading up to the shooting, Rigoberto was "running up and down the aisles, flapping his arms," while his wife cried out "Nooooo - He needs his medicación!". Tragically, the one marshal who wasn't deaf didn't speak spanish.

Update 2: No bomb - shocking.

Served

2005-12-05T10:56:00.000-05:00

In court...

Saddam Hussein: I am not afraid of execution. Execution is cheaper than the shoe of an Iraqi!
(silence)
Judge: Zing!
Everyone: Harharrharrarra.

Because that's how arabs laugh.

Headliners

2005-12-04T10:33:00.000-05:00

Alito:

Alito wrote that he saw no constitutional problem with a police officer shooting and killing an unarmed teenager who was fleeing after a $10 home burglary.

"I think the shooting can be justified as reasonable," Alito wrote in a 1984 memo to Justice Department officials. "Because the officer could not know for sure why a suspect was fleeing, the courts should not set a rule forbidding the use of deadly force," he said.

Dinoire:

As Isabelle Dinoire, 38, the recipient mauled by her pet labrador, was eating strawberries and chocolate yesterday following the operation, it emerged that the source of her new nose, lips and chin had hanged herself.

Interactive dream

2005-12-02T16:28:00.000-05:00

Had another weird one this morning. Between nine and eleven, Liz was dating special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald. My job was to hit snooze to keep the relationship going.

Happy Birthdays

2005-12-02T04:09:00.000-05:00

Actual Maya (3), Britney Spears (24), Nelly Furtado (27), Monica Seles (32), Gianni Versace (59).

List gets a little stabby at the end there.

Hark

2005-12-01T14:59:00.000-05:00

A story for people who like articles.

Art History

2005-12-01T00:26:00.000-05:00

Few people outside the academies know this, but it's actually true that the "whodunnit" originated in medeival Islamic oil painting. In this picture, the caliph wants to know who stole his favorite green bird. You're supposed to look for clues in the picture. See if you can figure it out. It took me a couple minutes, but it's actually pretty obvious.

Reminder

2005-11-30T22:49:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow, December 1, is World AIDS Day, a whole day dedicated to raising awareness of the global AIDS epidemic. It's also Word of the Day Day, and the word of the day is Walgreens brand hand lotion. For those of us with AIDS, it's a day of painful decomposition.

Enough self pity. My new column in tomorrow's YDN takes on the muftis. Here's a sneak preview - nut graph:

What else? We won our first IM volleyball game tonight, thanks to the divine setting of the Actual God and a few fortuitous calls from the referees who, as always, were cute black girls in tight sweats. Nice. Those girls really do it (transmit AIDS) for me.

Divine meditation

2005-11-29T02:23:00.000-05:00

The next Buddha?

At least 100,000 devotees from Nepal and neighbouring India have flocked in recent weeks to a dense forest in southeastern Nepal to see 15-year-old Ram Bahadur Bamjon, who has been meditating without food or water for six months.

How does he do it?

The young mystic is hidden from public view at night behind a curtain drawn by his followers.

Edible curtain.

Something to do

2005-11-28T21:17:00.000-05:00

Picture yourself in a dark, filthy bathroom, holding a wad of hundreds the size of an Indian's fist. You peel off a bill, toss it in the toilet, and laugh. What the fuck, you peel off another. And another. And another, until the laugh subsides and you're grabbing ten, fifteen bills at a time, slamming them into the toilet so hard that you feel little drops of water splash against your brow.

You flush the toilet and kick the wall. You lean over the sink and splash your face with water. You stare up at yourself in the mirror. God, you need to shave. When's the last time you cleaned your room? You throw your cell phone against the wall. You contemplate picking up one of those cheap, convenient prepaid phones they have at Walgreens. You walk to Walgreens. They don't carry them. They don't even know what you're talking about. You say thanks anyway. You walk home and start looking for things to do.

Happy Thanksgiving

2005-11-24T11:35:00.000-05:00

I give thanks for pink cup, yellow bowl, popcorn bowl, stick, and cloth. I need spoon.

Contest over

2005-11-10T11:23:00.000-05:00

Walgreens pulled the plug on the caption contest.

Movie Reviews

2005-11-07T01:25:00.000-05:00

The Squid and the Whale (**)

Wes Anderson's latest starts strong but falters. Despite a lame script, Dave Coulier hits all the right notes.

Capote (*)

You're an idiot if you liked this movie.

Gingko Biloba (***1/2)

Walgreens, $8.99

A potent Asian remedy. I took it for the first time and threw up like half an hour later.

New Haven Sweatshirt (**1/2)

Walgreens, $9.99

Black crew net sweatshirt, with light blue lettering and a light blue and white picture of Connecticut. Positives: excellent keepsake. Negatives: unflattering cut, too warm.

Gilette Mach 3 Power (****)

Walgreens, $16.99

It's just like a regular Mach 3, but it holds a triple-A battery in its handle. If you want, and you definitely do want, you can make it vibrate. Since there was no warning on the package, I assumed it was shower-safe. Very nice.

Who's that in the background?

2005-11-03T18:47:00.000-05:00

I think it's Walgreens!

Friendly drugstore

2005-11-03T18:32:00.000-05:00

Due to the recent heavy volume of Walgreens content, I've gotten a bunch of emails from people wondering: Is Walgreens the new Schiavo?

The very simple answer is yes.

I'm back

2005-11-02T17:26:00.000-05:00

Nostradamus has a nice recap.

I want vitamins

2005-11-02T12:00:00.000-05:00

Walgreens is soooo close, but I don't feel like putting on pants.

Listen up everybody

2005-10-20T10:03:00.000-04:00

Bono from U2 wants to say something. Bono, the floor is yours. Wow us:

I'm representing the poorest and the most vulnerable people. On a spiritual level, I have that with me. I'm throwing a punch, and the fist belongs to people who can't be in the room, whose rage, whose anger, whose hurt I represent.

OK, Bono.

Scram

2005-10-19T02:58:00.000-04:00

Get away from Nancy Kerrigan, you little mut.

Tonight in New York City

2005-10-19T01:36:00.000-04:00

Tom and Fanny prepared an elaborate feast for Uncle Benno, Roland Betts (George Bush's best friend), and "a couple of baller professors," in an effort to keep the Yale organic garden alive.

Also in NYC tonight, thousands of people were sodomized, and the Bergers spent yet another night at home with their parents out of town.

Sighting

2005-10-18T22:11:00.000-04:00

I've been so impressed with the celebrity blogging over at Delino DeShields, that I decided to do some paparazzing of my own. That's me holding the microphone...

AG: Allen, what's wrong, why do you look so sad?
A.I.: Just a hard day.
AG: Someone passed away...I can tell.
A.I.: Wait - how?
AG: Don't worry, he's safe now.
A.I.: Who are you?
AG: An influential blogger, that's all.
A.I.: Which one?
AG: Why, Actual God. (bows majestically)
A.I.: (runs in place, laughing hysterically)

Despite having lost a close friend earlier in the day, A.I. did a bang-up job making me feel comfortable. We spent the rest of the day together. He bought me shoes and took me to see the Liberty bell (in a limo!), which I had never seen.

When Allen saw that I was getting hungry and cranky, he told the driver to drop us off at a darling little patisserie. Allen had a lox sandwich (he likes capers too) and a cinnamon baguette, and I ordered clam chowder in a bread bowl. Like old pals, we ate freely from each other's plates.

Censorship

2005-10-17T01:25:00.000-04:00

The Actual God apologizes for the absence. The day after scooping the mainstream media on the subway terror threat, a tape-recorded voice claiming to be from homeland security called my cell phone and threatened that if I didn't call some investigator and reveal my source, Salam would be taken off the web. By that afternoon I couldn't log in to my blogger account. It took a little while, but the Actual God pulled some strings, and that was that, and now I'm back. On the bright side, with all the extra free time I had, I was able to launch a sister site. Special thanks to everyone who helped.

Heads up

2005-10-05T16:07:00.000-04:00

My source at homeland security recommends avoiding New York City for the next week and a half, especially the subways. The suspected plotters are young men of arabic descent. So if you're sitting by an arab on the subway, look extra close to make sure he's not hispanic, then attack.

Michael Chang

2005-09-28T14:28:00.000-04:00

I'm pretty sure I saw Michael Chang a minute ago on Chapel Street in front of Atticus. PLEASE don't make a huge deal about it.

"Michael Chang gets to every ball."
- Michael Chang

Pretty soon...

2005-09-28T00:23:00.000-04:00

Sigh

Incomplete pass

2005-09-26T23:33:00.000-04:00

How very, very sad:

SOUTH BEND, Ind. -- Charlie Weis doesn't usually let anyone else call plays on offense. He made an exception for 10-year-old Montana Mazurkiewicz.
The Notre Dame coach met last week with Montana, who had been told by doctors weeks earlier that there was nothing more they could do to stop the spread of his inoperable brain tumor

"He told me about his love for Notre Dame football and how he just wanted to make it through this game this week," Weis said. "He just wanted to be able to live through this game because he knew he wasn't going to live very much longer."
Weis asked Montana if there was something he could do for him. He agreed to let Montana call the first play against Washington on Saturday. He called "pass right."

Montana never got to see the play. He died Friday at his home.

After Notre Dame's emotional win, Coach Weis had this to say about Montana's funeral, which took place that morning: "Like all funerals, it was bittersweet. You can eat so many appetizers and not even feel it. Anyway, I guess that's just part of being obese."

John Kerry's _______

2005-09-26T21:13:00.000-04:00

?

First correct response wins a Dolce & Gabana headband and a picture of John Kerry's urethra.

Homesick

2005-09-24T13:03:00.000-04:00

The Actual God, wearing Ariel's Byron Leftwich jersey, lies on his bed reading Silent Witness. Cell phone rings.

AG: Hello.
Mom: Hi.
AG: How are you?
Mom: Good. How are you?
AG: Fine.
Mom: What are you doing?
AG: Just working.
Mom: Oh, OK. Well, you sound distracted, and I don't want to keep you from anything. I know you're busy.
AG: Jesus.
Mom: Sorry, I know. I was just driving through the neighborhood with Maya, and I saw a boy driving, and he had the exact same haircut as you. And it just made me think about how much I miss having you around.
AG: I miss you too Mom.
Mom: Just thought this would be a good time to catch up and say hi. I thought you might be busy tonight.
AG: Yea, super busy.
Mom: Anyway, I talked to Steve, and he gave me the full update about the case. I know you don't like (lawyer's name withheld), but...
AG: At least he'll be dead soon.
Mom: Well, you're entitled...
AG: What's the worst type of cancer? God, I can't wait to stomp all over his grave.
Mom: Oh God, stop that.
AG: I'm gonna frame his fucking obituary.
Mom: (laughs)
AG: It's not funny. Ask me what I'm gonna do with it.
Mom: What are you gonna do with it? Oh hold on, you're sister wants to talk to you. OK Maya, here, it's you're brother.
Maya: Hi.
AG: Hi Maya, how are ya?
Maya: Good.
AG: What are you doing?
Maya: Me anna Mommy inna car. Inna go to bookstore!
AG: Sick! You should get mommy to buy you some Clifford.
Maya: Anna doggies.
AG: Right, good. Clifford's a doggy. Very good.
Maya: Anna red doggy.
AG: Uh huh, wow. Maya, I'm very impressed.
Maya: I eating cheeyos.
AG: Milk or no milk?
Maya: Anna ice cweem twuck!
AG: I love the ice cream truck. Who's driving it. Is it that same black guy?
Maya: (long pause)
AG: You know Maya, the guy who keeps telling Mommy to come to his barbecue.
Maya: Mommy inna car.
AG: Right...can you put mommy back on the phone?
Maya: OK... (muted) Here, mommy.
Mom: How cute is that?
AG: Adorable.
Mom: Did you understand what she said?
AG: Yea, you guys are going to the bookstore.
Mom: She's such a heifer.
AG: Do you still want to know what I'm gonna do with the framed obituary?
Mom: Not really, to tell you the truth.
AG: You're a little liar, you know that?
Mom: Alright, what?
AG: Ah, nevermind, I'm probably gonna die first anyway.
Mom: Uch! Don't say that to you're mother.
AG: Listen Mom, I've gotta go, but I love you, and I'll talk to you soon.
(click)

The Actual God resumes reading. Chapter 3: Bulimia.

Period piece

2005-09-23T23:42:00.000-04:00

I'm watching "Sense and Sensibility," and I honestly can't follow the plot. Whose house is this? Whose horse is that? This field belongs to which estate?

Liveblogging HBO documentary, "The Children of Beslan"

2005-09-23T14:01:00.000-04:00

2:01 p.m. - It's amazing how much poise these kids have.

Liveblogging HBO documentary, "The Children of Beslan"

2005-09-23T13:50:00.000-04:00

1:50 p.m. - So sad.

Morning routine

2005-09-21T10:41:00.000-04:00

Wake up...realize that I punched my mom in the leg in my dream last night...promise myself no juantz until dark...check blog for comments...call Rod...smoke...apricot scrub, baby powder, jojoba, etc.

Airport restaurant, international terminal...

2005-09-21T02:04:00.000-04:00

Two middle-aged women, an Israeli and an American, meet and decide to eat together. The Actual God dines alone at a nearby table, reading National Geographic and picking at a shrimp cocktail. The ladies' conversation drifts to divorce...

Israel: Ech, and I do speak to him sometimes, but only to talk about the kids.
USA: Of course, exactly.
Israel: You know something else?
USA: Huh.
Israel: I am still very attracted to him -
USA: It's so frustrating, I know.
Israel: But he makes these promises, and -
USA: Doesn't keep them?
Israel: Right.
USA: He can't walk his - right? He can't walk the talk. Right?
Israel: What?
USA: He's not walking the talk. It's an expression we have in America. It's called walk the talk, walking the talk.
Israel: Oh. Wow.
USA: I know, isn't that fun?
Israel: Yes, sure.
USA: Hahahaha.
Israel: Hmm. Did you see a ladies' room anywhere?
USA: Yes, I think it's right back there around that corner.
Israel: Thanks.
USA: Hahahaha.
Israel: (gets up to leave)
USA: (shakes head and smiles) I must remember to get her email address.

The Actual God grimaces and massages his temples. The night has been a trying one. He shakes his head vigorously and reaches for a glass of water. Ice water. Now there's a man you can trust.

Warning

2005-09-21T01:07:00.000-04:00

This post contains some extreme content not suitable for children, including depictions of graphic violence and indigenous nudity.

Bush's note to Condoleeza Rice

2005-09-14T23:18:00.000-04:00

At the UN Summit this morning.

Hot or not?

2005-09-13T01:44:00.000-04:00

This is Nick Berg (and friend). There's some interesting evidence indicating that he was beheaded by American soldiers dressed as "terrorists," possibly at Abu Ghraib. Read about it here (emotional outburst), here (Mexican guy's summary), and here (excruciating detail).

Boring

2005-09-12T18:50:00.000-04:00

Tom Coburn doing the crossword during today's Roberts hearing - respect.

Katrina Clue

2005-09-12T16:12:00.000-04:00

Sean Penn, in New Orleans, with a shotgun.

Black Terrorized by Katrina: Step off honkey.
Sean Penn: My friend. I'm here to help you. Come on, take my hand. We'll leave this town together, you and me.
BTK: I'm finna snap off yo white neck.
Sean Penn: But I'm Sean Penn. Which means I'm only here to help.
BTK: ?
Sean Penn: Sean Penn? I'm a Hollywood super-icon known for my keen awareness of social injustices. You've never seen dead Dead Man Walking?
BTK: I ain't heard of ya. You do sex parts?
Sean Penn: Let's see - you must have seen 21 grams.
BTK: Nah, but I seen Barba Shop. Was you in that?
Sean Penn: How many lives do we live? How many times do we die? They say we all lose 21 grams... at the exact moment of our death. Everyone. And how much fits into 21 grams? How much is lost? When do we lose 21 grams? How much goes with them? How much is gained? How much is gained? Twenty-one grams. The weight of a stack of five nickels. The weight of a hummingbird. A chocolate bar. How much did 21 grams weigh?
BTK: (licks lips) More please.
Sean Penn: Tell me that's not incredible.
BTK: What else you in?
Sean Penn: Thin Red Line? The Weight of Water? I am Sam?
BTK: I am Sam, I seen that shit. A mentally retarded man fights for custody of his 7-year-old daughter, and in the process teaches his cold-hearted lawyer the value of love and family, right?
Sean Penn: That's pretty close.
BTK: Whatchoo mean close? Nigga that's a perfect synopsis.
Katrina: Whoosh!

Challenge

2005-09-12T02:06:00.000-04:00

Stand in front of a mirror and sing the first two lines of "The Macarena" from memory. The first couple attempts you'll be cracking up, but as you keep trying, you'll start to become confused and very depressed.

I'm telling you - and I'm hesitant because I don't want to spoil the challenge - it's the second line that's the real killer. And it's not just because you don't know all the words to the second line - you don't know the words to either.

Best of luck.

The Cost of Freedom

2005-09-12T00:51:00.000-04:00

Ray Lewis waved an American flag with his murderous hands. Grown men and women tearfully recited the names of their dead siblings. The Pentagon got Clint Black. What did you do to remember September 11? The Actual God did many things.

It started this morning with a valuable lesson learned. It's complicated, but the gist of the lesson is this: if you don't like someone, and you're trying to communicate this fact to your grandmother over the telephone, don't say he or she's a "dick." I was like "My lawyer's a dick," and right when I said it I could actually feel her get, you know, kind of wet.

I spent the rest of the day sitting in my rocking chair playing with a rubber band, which was awesome, but now I'm completely covered in spiderwebs.

Happy 9/11

2005-09-11T03:44:00.000-04:00

Praise be to ALLAH!

Ill Song

2005-09-09T01:17:00.000-04:00

Nostradamus releases his first online hit.

Football Season is Over

2005-09-08T15:59:00.000-04:00

That's the title of Hunter S. Thompson's suicide note, which was released to the blogosphere today. It was written in thick black marker, and it goes:

No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun _ for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your old age. Relax _ This won't hurt.

Favorite line: "No More Swimming."
Try again: "You are getting Greedy."

Tonight at nine, the football season starts up again. To honor Dr. Thompson's memory, I will be wagering on tonight's game.

Wrevelation

2005-09-07T21:54:00.000-04:00

As I review the past three posts, I am reminded of the way I felt when I noticed Undertaker becoming less deathy and more bikerish.

The Passion of The Actual God (part I)

2005-09-07T21:20:00.000-04:00

A lawyer's office, two days after the divine beating of the Actual God...

AG: Blood was running down my face and into my eye, and people were laying in front of the squad car in protest. One guy tried to kneel behind the cop and had his friend start a fake conversation and push him over and -
LAWYER: Slow down. Tell me something, before we continue.
AG: Sure.
LAWYER: Did you have a Bar Mitzvah?
AG: What? Uh, yes…did you?
LAWYER: Yes of course. It was August 6, 1946.
AG: What was your theme?
LAWYER: Theme?
AG: Yea, like, at the party, you know, a concept that unifies all your decorations and giveaways. My theme was burial. And it’s cool, because the DJ gets into it too and, oh I don’t know, you were saying…
LAWYER: Do you know what happened on August 6, 1945, exactly one year before my Bar Mitzvah?
AG: Uh, I probably do, what?
LAWYER: They dropped the bomb on Hiroshima. And Nagasaki was the eighth. No! The ninth. I used to tell the joke, why couldn’t they just wait a year until my Bar-Mitzvah?!
AG: That’s pretty good.
LAWYER: Heh, you know, I was around during World War II. I was just a kid, but I can remember. All the factories were producing munitions. The Singer sewing company factory was producing munitions! All the factories, it was just tanks and munitions, tanks and munitions. We didn’t have a refrigerator, we had an ice box. Why? Because the refrigerator factory was producing munitions!
AG: Mass mobilization, yes. My generation doesn’t know a thing about it.
LAWYER: It was really something.
AG: And the Holocaust too!
LAWYER: Oy, ech, awful.
AG: Terrible.
LAWYER: The worst…anyway…did I tell you I’ve had five children graduate from Yale.
AG: Any grandkids?
LAWYER: Only one.
AG: Mazel Tov!
LAWYER: It’s nothing to brag about, one grandchild and my youngest child is thirty.
AG: Bet -
LAWYER: Ech.
(long pause)
LAWYER: Listen, here’s what I want you to do. You’re going to write everything you just told me. You’re going to type it out in a statement.
AG: I didn’t really finish telling you the story.
LAWYER: You’ll write it all out. In a statement.
AG: A statement.
LAWYER: Yes exactly. Two parts, about five pages long.
AG: Double-spaced, right?
LAWYER: Whatever you want.
AG: I want double-spaced, obviously, but I was asking what spacing you had in mind when you said five pages.
LAWYER: However you want it.
AG: Do you not understand why I asked you that?
LAWYER: It really doesn't matter.
AG: It speaks to your intelligence....Oh, also, can I post a sarcastic statement about the incident online? I’ve got a blog.
LAWYER: ???
AG: It’s a weblog.
LAWYER: Absolutely not. The best thing for you to do would be to stop talking about the incident altogether. Just try and take it easy, lay low for the next few days, don’t party.
AG: Can I wear tefillin in the morning?
LAWYER: I see no problem with that.
AG: Sick!

to be continued...

Dream dialogue

2005-09-07T09:29:00.000-04:00

On a mountaintop...

Terri Schiavo: (over a pot of porridge) Is that all you brought? You're gonna be freezing.
AG: I just have this t-shirt and these pants and shoes!
Terri Schiavo: Well, you're gonna be cold. I was cold last night in sweats.

Then my teeth broke. Then I was on a pontoon with some strange men, and I refused a hi-five by shaking my head no. Then I was in a public restroom. Then I didn't know what to do with my hat. Then I hung it on a hook.

This counts

2005-09-07T01:53:00.000-04:00

I promised Liz I would blog before sleepy time tonight, or else I'd take her out to an expensive dinner. To be continued...

Who said it?

2005-08-20T00:55:00.000-04:00

Tom or Trina.

1. "I'm da baddest bitch, ya gotta admit that/
Sixty-nine, ain't nothin wrong with that."

2. "Ghetto superstar/
Niggas eat the pussy like a sushi bar/
Never let a nigga hit the koochie raw/
Might bust a nut on my Gucci bra."

3. "I dreamt last night that I met John Lennon. An extremely vivid and realistic vision. I went to his house for dinner, and as I was leaving, he gave me his harmonica. It was ineffably joyous. I surely will someday make my pilgrimage to the hallowed spots. I am both happy and a bit envious that you have preceded me."

Answer bank: Tom, Trina

Peter Jennings' World

2005-08-12T02:45:00.000-04:00

Help! Worms are invading my eye sockets, ahhh! Jesus Christ, please! Cruel, cruel world. There is no God. My skin is gone. I need coke.

A bad piece

2005-08-12T02:10:00.000-04:00

AG: Those don't look like blazin' buffalo wings.
Eric: They're not.
AG: So those are just boneless barbecue wings or something?
Eric: Exactly.
AG: So the blazin' buffalo wings were just a temporary thing?
Eric: I guess...I think I'm getting an ulcer.
AG: Yea, me too.
Eric: (makes choking noise, spits chewed up chicken onto tray)
AG: Bad piece?
Eric: Ech, disgusting, it's all hard.
AG: Like calimari, right?
Eric: (spitting out second piece of chicken in a row) They make these wings out of human anus, did you know that?
AG: Human anus, the world's hardest orifice! You know what the second hardest is?
Eric: Uh uh.
AG: It's the mouth.
Eric: If you count the teeth.
AG: True. Wow, I never thought of that. That's really unfair.

Since everybody's talking about it...

2005-08-07T06:11:00.001-04:00

Here it is. Bob Novak's red carpet interview with Eve.

But seriously, it's 6:14 am and I just got home from the casino. Many hours ago, I was sitting at the "main game," which is the No Limit variety of Hold'em with $5/$5 blinds and opening preflop raises averaging around 30. There's this greasy and fast-gambling arab scumbag named Arkin. He's addicted to action - I saw him playing $1000/hand blackjack the other day. Arkin is the wildest player at the casino by far, even wilder than all the blacks! Last week I saw him call a preflop raise all in for $1100 and not turn his cards over - the board came A-10-9-8-7. The raiser shows K-Q for a King high and Arkin mucks his cards.

Up a couple hundred with about $1700 in front of me, I was bragging to everyone at the table about how I was gonna bust Arkin's ass as he strolled up to sit next to me with a rack of about $10,000 worth of chips. He straddles $10 his first hand (what's a straddle?), which he always does when he's under the gun. I look down at two red kings, first to act. I know that if no one else raises, Arkin will throw in a huge raise on his option, as he always does, so I just call. Everybody calls around to Arkin, who raises $100. Since this is Arkin's first hand, everyone starts up like, "Oh Arkin, not again," or "Arkin, you old sunuvabitch," or "Arkin, you make my heart sing" to the tune of Wild Thing. I raise $200 more with a big smile on my face. I might have said "Bitch!" He casually throws in a $1000 chip, and I push all in. I show kings, he flips over aces and starts taunting the shit out of me.

Arkin: You think you got me good kid, I got you better!
AG: Better than what?
Arkin: You don't go all in on Arkin!
(Arkin stands up to watch the flop, and I stand up after him)
Arkin: What, you going somewhere? You don't have no more money? I bust you?
AG: Shut up Arkin, just shut up.
Arkin: Hah Heh Heh!!!
AG: Brush your teeth.

Arkin's Aces held up and I lost. After I bought in again, Arkin bluffed me out of a sizeable pot and I had a few more rough hands against men of African/Arabic/Caribbean/mixed ethnicity, including a two outer on the river that cost me over a million. What do I care? I'm God. Actually I was really immature about all my bad beats, complaining to everyone, but now I'm over it.

That is actually Eve, right?